Armies of Compassion Prepare for Coming Rapture
By Bill Langewiesche Jr.

For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie. (Revelations,22:15)

According to right-wing bloggers, Southern light-skinned males have been enlisting in the Armies of Compassion, a faith-based organization fully funded by the White House at astronomical rates. In the not-too-distant future, these armies plan to descend on Northeastern cities in an attempt to “kick some ass and save some souls,” according to a Presidential document leaked by Matt Drudge.

Special Compassion Agents may begin infiltrating Northeastern cities to establish a faith-based presence on the ground. The agents will assume traditionally secular positions, such as high school English teachers and operators on Ben and Jerry’s customer support line, and will prophesize the actualization of the approaching Rapture.

Proponents of the Armies of Compassion argue that they are not looking to decimate the Northeastern population, but simply save their souls before the Rapture hits . “In fact, after the Rapture begins, we plan to drop our weapons for Hoover vaccuum cleaners, and suck up all the souls we can save,” said one proselytizer.

Yesterday, while giving his final remarks to the cabinet, John Ashcroft may have inadvertantly told the country about a top-secret penultimate weapon against terrorism. “The hair on Bush’s button finger has been getting hairier and harier (sic) as of late, and I don’t want to be anywhere near the Mason-Dixon line when he presses that thing.”

Ashcroft may have been referring to the recently declassified document titled “Bush has Rapture Button Installed in White House.”

In light of the Last Day’s news, Northeasterners have been have been scurrying about, per usual, hustling and bustling. Even as President Bush discussed the build-up of the Armies of Compassion and the run-up to Rapture in the first electoral debate, Northerners appear oblivious to the Last Day’s news hustling, bustling, and scurrying about. It is rumored that a secret alliance of Boston-based Biotech companies have begun the creation of Heaven’s Gate, a nanotech teleportation device that will be used to protect the megalopolis by beaming approaching soldiers of God to within the vicinity of the comet Hale Bopp’s tail.

“I’d like to see those honkey Armies of Compassion try to take Harlem,” said William Jefferson Clinton (no known relation to the former president).

One group, The 666 Grand-Old Hat Party, has already started planning for the post-Rapture. Confident that Karl Rove will be left on Earth amongst the sinners “because he’s obviously the ‘Beast’,” members of this big-game-hunting political group hope to capture Karl, skin him, and make him into a hat. They plan to rule the world while wearing the hat for the next 1000 years, or until Jesus comes and siezes it.

Other articles by Bill Langewiesche Jr..

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