Calling All Conformists!
Win in life, quit your community
By Fred Nitsch

Freedom has taken a few punches to the gut in recent years – punches that were thrown mostly by so-called pacifists. It was during the troublesome 1960s that a disorganized group of drug-addicts and long-haired hipsters took it upon themselves to plant the seeds of an intellectual revolution that have snowballed into the frightful scene we see today: a messy, snowy ball full of little seeds. And aside from being generally bizarre, such a massive globule is quite impractical because seeds can’t grow in the frigid winter soil, as everybody knows.

Everybody, it seems, except for the so-called individualists. The o­nly seeds they seem to know how to plant are seeds of hatred - hatred for their fellow Americans. Our forefathers toiled day and night to cultivate a delicate homogeneity in this country and now these intellectual hooligans are trying to convince the American people that diversity is desirable. But what these radicals fail to see is that “individuality” is just a loser’s word for “being a loser.”

So, why don’t we melt down the aforementioned snowball of radicalism and let the succulent grass of sameness poke through? There will surely be a soggy mess at first, but a blossoming springtime is just ahead. We have to dedicate ourselves to showing these failures that conformity is the coolest thing around. And the way to prove your coolness is to do nothing unique unless, of course, everybody else is doing it too. And so many people share this opinion that you would actually be wrong to disagree. A day is coming when we will all be so similar that you will hardly be able to tell us apart, except by the slightly different shades of our trendy trucker hats. That, my friend, will be a sweet day.

But until that day, what’s next from these individualists? I suppose that these self-proclaimed free spirits are soon going to demand that the government stop “waging war” and that people start using less “styrofoam.” Well, news-flash, kids: styrofoam is an invented word, made up by the same person who “discovered” tofu. Styrofoam is just glue and popcorn, and that old joke about tofu actually being styrofoam is true. So, all you vegetarians are nothing more than paste-eaters.

Ergo, to function well is to function as a group. And a group is o­nly as strong as its weakest link. And for the links of a good chain to interlock, they have to be the exactly the same. What would a soup be if certain parts of it were not really soup but rather, for example, hippies? Not o­nly are many of these radicals probably cannibals, but they would surely have the rest of us be cannibals as well. And I, for o­ne, refuse to eat people. But if I had to, I think the most delicious thing o­n the menu would be a big, tepid platter of posers. Hippie soup would surely leave a bad taste in my mouth, like old sandals or tie-dye.

I have done my research and there really isn’t an “I” in team. Unless you’re spelling it in Spanish. In which case there is, in fact, an “I” in team. And probably in Swedish, too. They probably use the letter “I” like five times in the word for “team.” They also make damn good meatballs - meatballs, mind you, that the aforementioned vegetarians would surely refuse to eat.

These social mavericks are always calling us conformists “tools.” Or “giant tools.” But the way I see it, the country full of tools is the country that can fix itself when it’s in a jam. And the jam-de-jour is individualism – a brightly colored, jelly-like substance that seems sweet at first but then just adds calories and stains your carpet. And would you rather be an overweight loser who can’t keep good house or be part of a team, spelled the American way? I thought so.

Other articles by Fred Nitsch.

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